Balamm’s Glass

Douglas Wilson has resumed yelling at his windshield because of the personal frustration caused by the confessionally orthodox Christians who refuse to debate him about the finer points of his heresy. Wilson has named his heresy “Federal Vision,” however he has not notified us what he calls his windshield.

But this is not the story. Wilson regularly throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way, so normal people have learned to live with this. The story of this post is that the windshield is yelling back!

According to reliable sources, while Wilson was screaming various expletives at his windshield, he struck the inanimate object with his staff, breaking the glass. At that point, the windshield replied to Wilson in a calm, reasonable tone, asking, “What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me?”

Wilson answered, “Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.”

And the windshield said, “Am not I thine glass? was I ever wont to do so unto thee?”

Wilson said, “I AM RIGHT. I am always right, especially when I’m wrong. And because you do not recognize my authority nor my anointing, I shall crack you to show you and the world that I AM RIGHT.”

Wilson then slew the glass in a fit of rage; the glass remained inanimate.

Please stay tuned, we intend to bring you the latest as Douglas Wilson continues his descent into madness.

Douglas Wilson Crossdresses To Look Like Cindy Brady!

According to reliable sources, Douglas Wilson was seen crossdressing to look like Cindy Brady of the Brady Bunch TV show. Apparently, the Fearless Leader was so overcome with emotion after he read Dr. R. Scott Clark’s post “Doug Wilson Is Right” that he went home, adorned his hair in golden locks with red ribbons, and put on a dress, humming, “The youngest one in curls.”

Mr. Wilson’s descent into madness didn’t bother his loyalists and it disgusted normal people. One kirker said, “I don’t care how he dresses, he still has the anointing”; whereas a normal person commented that Wilson needs a better girdle: “He has too much spillage around the midsection; I think he’s repulsive.” We agree.

Toot! Toot!

The following is a Pubic Service Announcement: We want to help Steve Wilkins and his ilk plan their one-way trip to Moscow by providing this link to Greyhound bus lines, which you can reach by calling 1-800-231-2222, and this link to priceline.com.

We wish the FV bunch farewell as they abandon orthodoxy for that place where “Reformed” Is Not Enough, and we wish no ill upon them, such as you might read in an imprecatory prayer written by the Fearless Leader, Douglas Wilson, who cannot sin and who hates the brethren with a perfect hatred (Ps. 139:22).

But we do have a prayer of our own, which we offer on Mr. Wilson’s behalf: “Throw the snake in the lake; throw the liar in the fire. Amen.”

Blow This

We read with amazement this comment by Mark “blow your own” Horne, which he posted to The Heideblog:

Since Satan is the “accuser of the Brethren” and sowed discord by slander between God and man, I would think that his “one modus operandi” might be something else — something quite relevant to this blog.

Mr. Horneblower, if you don’t want to debate whether your head’s awkward proximity to you know where contributes to the stench emanating from Blow and Blowharder, then perhaps we can debate the peculiar circumstances that led to the church split at Church of the King–Santa Cruz. You know, like the two years that Doug “they won’t debate me ’cause I’m a liar” Wilson spent sowing discord among the brethren so that he could plunder the congregation and add another church to his denomination.

You can defend the actions of his highness, the Pope Mullah, using Federal Division sophistry, and we will condemn his behavior using the Scriptures, such as the texts you quoted.

Blow Your Own Horne

Dr. R. Scott Clark hosts a blog called “The Heideblog,” which sounds more confessional for a professing Christian than playing off of the unclean hordes identified as “Gog and Magog,” but that’s for another post. Besides, based upon the objectivity of the covenant, i.e. the fruit of the Spirit, Wilson isn’t a Christian. But that too is for another post.

We simply want to call your attention to The Heideblog because of a remarkable phenomenon taking place there. It appears that Mark Horne’s head regularly impedes Dr. Clark’s foot while the honored professor strenuously endeavors to kick Doug Wilson’s ass.

Be that as it may, this awkward circumstance raises an interesting question: Does Pastor Mark give Pastor Doug flatulence when he blows his horn? We say yes. How else can you account for the increasing stench that emanates from Bilge and MoreBilge?

Therefore, we challenge Mark Horne to debate us on this subject; perhaps that will keep him from beating his chest and shouting, “My daddy Doug Wilson can beat you in a debate!”

Hey, Mark, pull your head out and blow your own horn!

National Liars’ Hall of Fame Dedicates Wing to Wilson

Roger Welsch, curator of the National Liars’ Hall of Fame (NLHF), announced the Hall’s intention to build an entire wing dedicated to Douglas Wilson, pastor of Christ Church, Moscow. “Let’s face,” Welsch said, “when it comes to prevaricating, he’s the best!”

Welsch said they have not decided on a formal name for the special wing, however he believes that calling it “The Doug Wilson Wing of Whoppers” basically sums it up. Welsch founded the NLHF in 1990, instituting it in Dannebrog, Nebraska.

Douglas Wilson responded to the national honor, saying, “I’ve known for a long time that my deceit is way past the Pinocchio stuff. I lie to my denomination, my congregation, my elders, my family, as well as the media. I could be lying right now and you’d never know it! But seriously, I’ve lied so much that there’s no one left to lie to. So I reckon this tribute a down-payment on my eternal reward and the just compensation for a life-long ministry dedicated to mendacity.”

Douglas Wilson Wins Heretic of the Year Award

Earlier this week, Christianity Today declared Douglas Wilson, pastor of Christ Church, Moscow, the winner of their inaugural Heretic of the Year Award for his unique role in splitting Church of the King – Santa Cruz. When asked to comment, Wilson said, “Thank you very much; I worked hard to win this trophy. People don’t know the difficulties involved with sowing discord among brethren. It’s not as though I could take a chainsaw to the congregation as I did Brian Mclaren’s book.

“Hell, chopping a man to pieces on the worldwide web is a piece of cake, but engineering a church split from out of state requires cunning. I had to lie to Andrew Sandlin, telling him one thing, while I told the disgruntled members of the congregation another, and it’s hard remembering all of my lies sometimes. So I’m thankful for CT’s recognition of my achievement and I hope to bust up even more churches in 2007.

“And don’t think that I’m resting on my laurels either, because I am determined to oversee the dissolution of several marriages in my church to demonstrate that my divisiveness knows no boundaries. I wrote the book on Titus 3:10, it’s called A Serrated Edge.”